suicide:

1984 - right after talking with my paternal Grandfather, Henry, who said to just pray to "Jesus," which angered me more, but he meant well. 💘 His voice was comforting and last voice I wanted to hear. How I woke up was a mystery... did not even know where I was, had zero dreams, all was dark.

1987 - ironically because of 1969-1984 —"finish the job"

1991 - still trying to "finish the job", while working and "recovering," while dealing with unbelievable work b.s. — racism, sexism, classism and stupid-ism, with frauds and racists advancing at every level. Figured I should take the hint... no matter what you do, it will not matter. In the process, pushed good people away, did not want to be a burden.

SIA-Santa Cruz saved the day.. only wished I had taken Jonnell with me weekly.

😕 2001-2006 starvation, unintentional at first, then just did not care to eat, while Ponzi scheme-funding-billionaires Venrock.com (Eric Sean Copeland (removed from company), Brian Ascher (promoted), David Pakman (trying to chase Marcy Projects' Jay Z now, but mocked "project kids" all while growing up and working), Ray Rothrock (removed from company), etc.) and organized criminals literally laughed about it, encouraged it, and hoped for it.

Then in 2007, I got tired of hating myself for something I was not responsible for as a child, while the adults around me were responsible, and some even accountable. I think it hurts more that you were told to keep a secret, and if you did not keep secret, you would be destroyed, only to find out it was the secret that was destroying you inside. So many years lost in pain, darkness and agony.

Again, suicide, and the pain that I know made my brother feel trapped with that sick, twisted woman who murdered him. I still can not get over not calling him on Dec 26, while running errands, to make arrangements for him to come stay with us to get away from her. And here she is, STILL. WALKING. THIS. EARTH as if she belongs here and he did not. 😐 But living for him now, and his voice, as without him, I would not have a voice. And making sure I live long enough to pee on Shirleen's grave! (😊 ptsd and mental health)

Irony: this is making its rounds around Facebook right now (3/15/2019 5:30pmEST):

Some ppl are just strong! You will never see or hear of the pain they are in because they walk around as though everything is fine, but they are really suffering. I do not know who you are but i am here to tell you to hang in there. Better days are ahead!
(FB: Someone needs to hear this)